When you see this post, I’ve logged out from this world.

The news media claimed I had suffered from stress and depression for a long time due to my academic career. It’s a lie.

In my last will, I made it clear that my despair began in 2019, after the tragic political storm. Aren’t we all victims of state violence with our dissident status?

I regret having to say farewell to my beloved city, the once dynamic Hong Kong: its crazy traffic, incredible street food, maze-like roads, sky-blocking high-rise buildings, and diverse populations—from the show-off rich to the hard-working poor, from natives whose ancestors settled here generations ago to immigrants with indiscernible accents. But what I miss most is the free air. Free to express, free to fall in love, free to dream, free to sing, and free to leave and return.

All these are gone now. In our twenties, we witnessed our fellow students killed during the brutal crackdown in Beijing. The whole generation of us was wiped out. And thirty-five years later, we still failed to pass on a free society to our students in their twenties. We are losing them to relentless authoritarianism.

I am so tired of living in fear, fear for myself as well as my beloved. I am afraid I can’t restrain my resentment to the political propaganda, or my criticism of the power. I am afraid of my memories of the past, the haunting spirits of my college classmates and the ghost of my hidden identity. I am afraid of my sense of loss, the glory and shame in life.

My hopelessness is heavy; in fact, heavier each day. I am no longer able to carry it. So I decided to confront it, to terminate it.

I suppose having my body shattered by a train must feel like being run over by a tank.

My dear fellow Hong Kongers, may my legacy become the fuel for your resistance. I hope you all see the light at the end of the tunnel soon. As for me, I shall not rest in peace, I rest in anger.


Author’s Note: On August 25, 2024, Professor Li Hin-Wa of the City University in Hong Kong jumped onto the tracks at Kowloon Tong Station and took his own life. This prose is based on his ambiguous suicide note. “I suppose having my body shattered by a train must feel like being run over by a tank” is a translated quote from the note. In 2019, two million Hong Kong residents protested against the Extradition Bill, which, rather than targeting criminals, aimed at political dissidents. Nevertheless, the CCP’s control over thought has since become increasingly stringent.